And now, an amazing Chinese rendition of ‘Cell Block Tango’ (with translated lyrics)
Tu Youqin plays six women from six different parts of China singing about their awful experiences with men.
This is the best thing we’ve seen on Chinese social media in a while: A song by Tรบ Yวuqรญn ๅพๆ็ด, a student at the Central Conservatory of Music, in which she plays six women from six different parts of China โ Beijing, Shanghai, Sichuan, Hunan, Guangdong, Shandong โ who sing, in their particular dialects, about their horrible experiences with the men in their lives,ย from a guy who records his sexual conquests in a notebook to another who kills his own child to one who threatens to commit rape in the back of his Didi cab.
It’s all set โ fittingly and so very well โ to the tune of “Cell Block Tango” from the musical Chicago, which of course also features six women singing in dialect about the men in their livesโฆthe ones they killed, who “had it coming.”
Tu’s rendition, called “Scumbag Menย of the Celestial Empire” (a rather literal translation of ๅคฉๆๆธฃ็ทๅพ้ด [tiฤnchรกo zhฤ nรกn tรบjiร n]; put more simply, “The douchebags of China”), was originally posted to Sina Weibo on October 31 before it was taken down โ per the request of, strangely, Didi, since the song used “Didi” as a lyric. Tu re-uploaded the video the next morning with “Didi” (ๆปดๆปด dฤซdฤซ) replaced with “beep beep” (ๅๅ bรฌbรฌ), but the video was again taken down a few hours later.
Tu,ย who’s made a name for herself as a composer of ancient music and claims to be a big fan of musicals,ย wrote on social media that the stories in her song are entirely fictitious and not directed at any particular person, but we can’t help but see some similarities with real-life stories. Initium helpfully points out a few parallels, too, like anย incident in 2015 when a woman named Li Yan was given a suspended death sentence for killing her husband, as the court acknowledged that she was a victim of domestic violence.
We’ve translated the lyrics of “Scumbag Men of the Celestial Empire” below โ compare it to the original Cell Block Tango here. Did the men in Tu’s song also have it coming?
Scumbag Menย of the Celestial Empireย ๅคฉๆๆธฃ็ทๅพ้ดย (based off “Cell Block Tango”)
Original lyrics by Tu Youqin
Translation by Jamie Lui
ใไบฌใ่กๅ
Beijing: Alley
ใๆฒชใ่จๅ
ๆฏ
Shanghai: Saxophone
ใๅทใ้พๅฟๅญ
Sichuan:ย Bastard / son of a bitch [literally, “turtle son”]
ใๆนใๆปดๆปด
Hunan: Didi [taxi]
ใ็ฒคใๅๅๆฅผ
Guangdong:ย [in Cantonese:] 14th floor
ใ้ฒใๅฆนๅฟ็ก็
Shandong: Baby girl sleeping
็ฐๅจ๏ผๆ่ฏทๅ
ญไฝๅคฉๆๆธฃ็ท้ขๅ็่ตๆทฑไฝ้ชไบบๅๅ่จโโ
And now, six women of China share their experiences of dating male douchebags โ
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไป่ชๅทฑๆข็ๅ้ฌผ๏ผ
ไฝ ๅฆๆๅจๅบ๏ผๅจๅฝๆถๅฝๅป๏ผ
ใไบฌใๅชๆไผๆฏๆๆดๅ ๅนฒ่๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
He only has his own devilry to blame!
If you’d had been there, if you’d had seen it,
Beijing: I bet you would have done it more decisive than me!
ใไบฌใ
ๆ่ๅ
ฌๅขๅพ้ฃ่ถฃๅนฝ้ป็๏ผๅฝๅๅซ็ปไปๅฐฑๆฏๅฒไป่ฝ้ๆๅผๅฟใ
ๆไธๅคฉๆ็ฟป็ไปไธ่ฎฐไบๆฌ๏ผๆฏๅ้ฝไปไนๅนดไปฃไบ่ฟ็จ็ฌ่ฎฐๆฌ๏ผไป่ฟ่ๆดพไฝ้ฃๆไนๅๆฌข็๏ผ็ถๅๆๅฐฑ็ๅฐไบไปๆ็ก่ฟ็ๅฅณไบบ้ฝ็ปๅ็ฑป็ผๅทไบ๏ผๅฏ็ปไบ๏ผไฝ ็ไป็จไปไน็ผ็๏ผ็จๅฐๅ๏ผ่กๅ๏ผๅธฝๅฟ่กๅๅฐฑๆฏ็ฑ็ฉไธ้ข็๏ผ่ๅฟ่กๅๅฐฑๆฏ็ฑ็ฉไธ้ข็ใๆ็ฌไธ๏ผๆ๏ผๆๅฝ็ถไนๆฏไบ๏ผๆๅจๆๅไธ้กต๏ผ้ป็ฌๆๅ็๏ผๅไบ๏ผๆญป่กๅใ
ๆญป่กๅ๏ผๅฝ็ถๆฏ่ทๆญปไบบๆ่ฌ้
ใ
ย ย Beijing:
My husband? Oh, heโs just hilarious. I married him because he could always make me laugh.
One day I was flipping through his notebook โ right, a notebook, what decade are we living in anyway, but I actually quite liked his old-school style โ and I see that heโs classified all the women heโs slept with. How detailed. You wanna guess what he used to classify these women? He used โalleywaysโ to classify them. Hat Alley [ๅธฝๅฟ่กๅ Mร oer Hรบtรฒng] meant that she liked playing up top [referring toย oral sex], and Chrysanthemum Alley* [่ๅฟ่กๅ Jรบer Hรบtรฒng] meant that she liked playing the bottom. Isnโt that hilarious? And me? Of course I was listed, right on the last page, crossed out in black marker. Next to my name read โdead-end alley.โ
Well, itโs only suitable that a dead-end alley is paired with a dead person!
* Chrysanthemum is Chinese slang for “anus.”
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไปไปไน้ฝๆขๆๆน๏ผ
ไฝ ๅฆๆๅจๅบ๏ผๅจๅฝๆถๅฝๅป๏ผ
ใๆฒชใ่ฆ้ชไฝไธๆฉๆ่ฟ่่ฒ๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
He has his constant goading to blame!
If you’d had been there, if you’d had seen it,
Shanghai:ย I should’ve had the guts to do it sooner!
ใๆฒชใ
ๆไปฌไธๅผๅงๆฏๅจๅๅก้ฆ่ฎคๅพ็๏ผไผ็่จๅ
ๆฏๅนๅพ่็ตๅ
้ข๏ผๆไธไธๅฐฑ่ขซ่ฟทๅไบใ
ไบบๅฎถ้ฝๅธฎๆ่ฎฒไผ่พๆฐๅฅฝ๏ผ็ปๅฉไปฅๅๆไนๆ่งๅฐไบ๏ผ่พๆฐๆฏๅฅฝ็ๅ๏ผๆ่ๅฉไน่ฆๆ่
่ฐ็๏ผๆฟ่จๅ
ๆฏๆๅใ็กฌ๏ผๆๆฅๅฐคๅ
ถ้กบๆ๏ผ่กไนๆฆ่ตทๆฅๆนไพฟใ
ไธชไนๅช่ฝๅๅฆ๏ผ่ๅ
ฌๅๆ่
่ฐๆไนไธๅฅฝๅๅฐ้ข็ๅ๏ผๆไนๅชๅฅฝ่ฎฉไผๆ่งไธไธๅคดไธ่ขซๆฒ่จๅ
ๆฏๅช่ฝๆ ทๅญ้ขๅฏ๏ผๅฐฑๅคด้ขไธๅคดไธๅ๏ผๆข๏ผ่ๅฅฝๅฌไบ๏ผๆฏๅนๅบๆฅ่ฟๅฅฝๅฌใ
ย ย Shanghai:
We first met at a coffee shop, and he played the saxophone very well. I fell for him immediately.
Everyone told me he had a good temper. And I can agree, you mustย be cool when you hit your wife, so hit her with your saxophone. Yes, strike smoothly and the blood will be easy to clean up.
And what else was I supposed to do? My husband is so cool that I didn’t want to appear lame, so I alsoย couldn’t help but strike him on the head with the saxophone, too. Bang. It was a beautiful sound, even better than if you played it.
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไป่ช้ฃๆถๆ็่๏ผ
ไฝ ๅฆๆๅจๅบ๏ผๅจๅฝๆถๅฝๅป๏ผ
ใๅทใๆญฃไน็ๆฉ็ฝไธ่ฏฅ่่ดฃ๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
Blame him for eating the bitter fruit of his own tongue!
If you’d had been there, if you’d have seen it,
Sichuan: You can’t blame the punishment of justice!
ใๅทใ
็ปๅฉไบๅนดไธ็ดๆฒกๅญฉๅญ๏ผๅปๅป้ขๆฅไบไปฅๅๆฏๆ่ๅ
ฌ็ๅๅ ๏ผไปไธๆณ็ฆปๅฉ๏ผ่ฟไนๅคๅนดๆไนๆๆๆ
็ๅ๏ผๆๆณ้ขๅ
ปไธไธช๏ผไปๅๆ๏ผๅจๅจ็ฝ็ฝๅๅ็๏ผๆๅฏ้ซๅ
ดไบ๏ผๆป็ฎๆฏๅฝๅฆไบใๆ่ๅ
ฌไปไธๅซๅจๅจ็ๅๅฟ๏ผๅฐฑๅซ้พๅฟๅญ๏ผๆ่ฎฒๅจๅจๆฏ้พๅฟๅญ้ฃๅชไธชๆฏ้พๅ๏ผไฝ ็ไปๅๅ็๏ผไปๅๆๅๆญฃไธๆฏ่ๅญ็ๅฟๅญใๅๆฅไธๅคฉๆไธ็ญๅๅฎถ๏ผๅฐฑ็ๅฐๅจๅจ่ธๆไธ่ถดๅจๆตด็้๏ผๆๅฒไธๅปๆขๅๆฅ๏ผๅจๅทฒ็ปไธไผๅจไบใ
ไป่ฟ็ฌ๏ผ่ฏด้พๅฟๅญๅฐฑๅบ่ฏฅๆฝๆฐดๅบๅใ
้ฃ้พๅฟๅญ็็ธ็ธไนๅบ่ฏฅๆฝๆฐดๅบๅ๏ผๅ้ตๆฑๅคไปๆ่
พ่ๅญไบใ
ย ย Sichuan:
Five years of marriage and still unable to conceive, the doctor said it was my husbandโs fault. He didnโt want to get a divorce, and after all these years Iโve still been able to show him love and affection. I wanted to adopt, and he agreed. The little baby was bright and lively, and I was over the moon โ Iโm finally a mother! My husband, on the other hand, never calls our baby by its name, just calls it the bastard. I tell him, If our baby is a bastard, whoโs the bitch [“turtle” (้พ guฤซ), which can also mean “bitch”]? Can you guess what he said? He said, โWell, itโs not my child.โ One day I come home from work and see the baby lying face down in the bathtub. I run to snatch him up but sheโs still.
My husband laughs and says, “The bastard should dive to the bottom.”
Well, itโs only fair that the father of the bastard should also dive to the bottom. The Jialing River is just big enough for him to flop around.
ใๅใ
ไฝ ๅฆๆๅจๅบ๏ผๅจๅฝๆถๅฝๅป๏ผ
ใ็ฒคใๆฏๅฃฐๅผๅ้ฝๅคงๅฃฐ้ๅ๏ผ
ย ย All:
If you’d had been there, if you’d had seen it,
Guangdong:ย For every voice that calls out, echo back louder!
ใ็ฒคใ
ไปๅจๅญฆๆ กๅฐฑ็ฑ็ๅคๆไป๏ผๅๆฅ่ชๅทฑๅฐฑๆไบๅคๆไปใๆ่ฏดๅๆ๏ผไปๅฐฑๆปๆฑๆ่ฏดไธๅฎๆน๏ผๆพๆญฃ็ปๅทฅไฝ๏ผๅ
ปๅฎถ๏ผๆๅณๅฎๅ็ปไปไธๆฌกๆบไผ๏ผๅฐฑไนฐไบ้ดๅฐๅฑๅๅฑ
๏ผๅจๅๅๆฅผใๆไธๅคฉไปๆฅๅๅๅๆฅ๏ผๅพ่กฃๆ้ๅกไบไธชๅ
๏ผๅๆไบๅผ ๆฐ็simๅก่บฒๅจๅซ็้ดๆ็ต่ฏ๏ผ้็บฆๅฌ่งโๅฏนใๅๅๆฅผใๅฏใๅๅๆฅผโใไปๅๆฅๅๅๅบ้จไบ๏ผๅๅๆฅ๏ผๅๅๆฅๆๅฐฑๅๆฒก่ง่ฟไปใไป่ตฐๆฒก่ฟไบๅ้่ญฆๅฏๅฐฑไธ้จไบ๏ผ่ฏดๆฅๅฐๅฟๅ็ต่ฏไธพๆฅ๏ผๆไบบ่ๆฏใๅจๅๅๆฅผใ
ย ย Guangdong:
When he was in school he admired gangsters, and then he turned into one himself. I told him I wanted to break up, so he pleaded with me and promised to change, to find a real job, to support the family, so I decided to give him another chance. We bought a small apartment together on the 14th floor. One day, he rushed home and ran straight to put a stuffed bag in the closet. He pulls out a new SIM card and ducks into the bathroom to make a call. I hear a faint, โYeah, 14th floor, uh huh, 14th floor,โ and then he immediately rushes out the door. And then? I never see him again. Not five minutes after he leaves, the cops show up at the door, say they picked up an anonymous tip that someone was selling drugs. On the 14th floor.
ใๆนใ
ๅๆไปฅๅๅ่ง้ขๅฑ
็ถๆฏๅ ไธบๆ่ฝฆ๏ผไปๆฏๅธๆบๆๆฏไนๅฎขใ
ไป้ฃไปฅๅ๏ผไปๆฏๅคฉ้ฝไผๅผ็ไป้ฃ่พ็ ด่ฝฆ๏ผ็ญๅจๆๅฎถๆฅผไธ๏ผๆไธ่ฝฆ็ชๅฏนๆ็ฌ๏ผ่ฏด๏ผๆปดๆปดไธไธ๏ผ้ฉฌไธๅบๅซใๆฏไธๅคฉ๏ผๆฏไธๅคฉ๏ผๆฏไธๅคฉโฆโฆไป่ฟไธ็ฅ้ไปๅช้ๅผไบๆ็ๆๆบๅท๏ผๅคฉๅคฉ่ค่ฏๆๅ่ฝฎ็ชๆฅ๏ผๆขๅทไนๆฒก็จใๆฅ่ญฆ๏ผๆฅไบๅ๏ผๆ่ฒไธๅคฉๆพๅบๆฅไบใๅจไป่ฏด่ฆๆๆ่ฟไธช่ดฑไบบๅนฒๆญปๅจไป่ฝฆไธ็็ฌฌไธไธชๆ๏ผๆๆไป่ฝฆไธๆตไบๆฑฝๆฒน๏ผไนๅฏน่ขซ็ปๅจ้ฉพ้ฉถๅบงไธ็ไป็ฌ็่ฏด๏ผๆปดๆปดไธไธ๏ผๆพๆญป่ชๆใ
ย ย Hunan:
After we broke up, I bumped into him unexpectedly in a [Didi] cab. He was the driver and I was the passenger.
From then on, every day he would wait downstairs from my apartment, roll down the window and laugh, Call a Didi, hurry up and get married. Every day, every day, every dayโฆhe somehow got my phone number and harassed me with dirty and threatening texts every single day. Thereโs no use switching numbers, either. And filing a report? I did, they released him after three days. By theย third month of him saying he wanted to fuck me the bitch to death right in his car, I splashed gasoline over his car and laughed at the driver trapped inside: Call a Didi, go kill yourself.*
*The last line here, spoken by the woman โย ๆปดๆปดไธไธ๏ผๆพๆญป่ชๆ (Dฤซdฤซ yฤซxiร , zhวosว zรฌshฤ) โ is supposed to echo (and rhyme with) the driver’s earlier taunt:ย ๆปดๆปดไธไธ๏ผ้ฉฌไธๅบๅซ (Dฤซdฤซ yฤซxiร , mวshร ng chลซjiร )
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไปๆดป็ๅฐฑๆฏ่ฟ็ดฏ๏ผ
ๆๆ ๅฏๅฅไฝ๏ผๆ้ๆไธๅฏ๏ผ
ใๆนใไผๆณๅผบๅ ๆๅๅๆญๆง๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
If he were alive he’d only drag others down!
I had no choice! I had to kill him!
Sichuan:ย Don’t even think about making me feel ashamed!
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไปๆพๆญป่ฟๆ ๆ่ฐ๏ผ
ๆๆ ๅฏๅฅไฝ๏ผๆ้ๆไธๅฏ๏ผ
ใ้ฒใ่ฐๅๆขๆนๅคๆ็้ๅฏน๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
Blame him for being so casual with death!
I had no choice! I had to kill him!
Shandong:ย Who would dare tell me that I was wrong?
ใ้ฒใ
ไฟบไปฌๅฎถ็ฌฌไธไธชๅจๅจ่ฟๆฏไธชๅฅณๅจๅจ๏ผๅฌๅคฉ็็๏ผ็ไธๆจ็ๅญฉไป็น้ฃๅคด็กใ่ฟไธชๅจ็ก่งไธ่ๅฎ๏ผๅๅค่ๅญ็่ฆๅฅถๅ๏ผๆ้ฝๅพ่ตทๆฅๅใ้ฃๅคฉๅจๆฒกๅจ้๏ผๆๅฐฑ้ฎไป็น๏ผ้ฎไบไธๆฌก๏ผไป็น้ฝ่ทๆ่ฏดๅฆนๅฟ็ก็๏ผๅฆนๅฟ็ก็๏ผๅฆนๅฟ็ก็ใ
ๅคฉ่ไบฎ็ๆถๅไป็น็ฌ่ตทๆฅ๏ผๆฑ็ๅจๅฐฑๅพๅค่ตฐ๏ผๆ่ง็ไธๅฏนๅฒ๏ผๆไฝไบไธๆธ๏ผๅจ่บซไธๅฐๅฐๅ็๏ผๆฉๆฒกๆฐไบใไป็น่ฏด้ๅฃๆ่ฑไธคไธๅ้ฑไนฐไธชๅฅณๅจ็ป้ดไบฒ๏ผๅผใ
ๅฆนๅฟ็ก็๏ผๅฆนๅฟๆฏ่ขซไปไบฒๆๆๆญปไบ๏ผ
ๅฅฝไน๏ผๅฆนๅฟๅคงๅฉ๏ผไบฒ็นๅ่ฝไธๅจๅข๏ผๆ้ไปๅปไบ๏ผๆฟๅฝๅจ็ๆๅคๅๆฏๅ้
๏ผๅคๅไธชๅฉๅคดใ
ย ย Shandong:
Our third daughter was born in the winter. The little girl sleeps near the brick fireplace by her daddyโs head. The little girl doesnโt sleep soundly. She cries in the middle of the night for milk so I often get up to feed her. One day, she doesnโt stir, so I ask her dad, I ask three times and each time he replies, Sheโs asleep, sheโs asleep, sheโs asleep.
At dawn, he gets up and takes the baby outside. Something doesnโt seem right, and I reach over and touch the little girl. Her entire body is totally cold. She must have not been breathing for a while already. Her dad says that itโs worth it โ the neighbors offered $2000 to buy a wife for their dead baby son in the afterlife*.
The baby girl was asleep? Baby girl was suffocated by her father’s own hands.
Oh well, our baby girl got married. And how could her father not be with her?ย I sent him over, and I’m sure he drank extra wedding wine and received more ceremonial bows on my behalf.
*็ป้ดไบฒ (jiรฉ yฤซn qฤซn) is a spouse for the afterlife.ย
ใๅใ
ไบบๆธฃ่ฏฅๆๆๆๆๆ
ไบบๆธฃ่ฏฅๆๆๆๆๆ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไปๆดป็ๅฐฑๆฏ่ฟ็ดฏ๏ผ
ๆๆ ๅฏๅฅไฝ๏ผๆ้ๆไธๅฏ๏ผ
ไผๆณๅผบๅ ๆๅๅๆญๆง๏ผ
ย ย All:
Scum should be killed, killed, killed, killed, killed
Scum should be killed, killed, killed, killed, killed
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
If he were alive he’d only drag others down!
I had no choice! I had to kill him!
Don’t even think about making me feel ashamed!
ใๅใ
ไป็ฝชๆๅบๅพ๏ผไป็ฝชๆ ๅฏ่ตฆ๏ผ
้ฝๆชไปๆพๆญป่ฟๆ ๆ่ฐ๏ผ
ๆๆ ๅฏๅฅไฝ๏ผๆ้ๆไธๅฏ๏ผ
่ฐๅๆขๆนๅคๆ็้ๅฏน๏ผ
ย ย All:
He had it coming! He canโt be pardoned!
Blame him for being so casual with death!
I had no choice! I had to kill him!
Who would dare tell me that I was wrong?
With additional reporting by Jiayun Feng.
