China made a rap song about its annual ‘two sessions’ political meeting

I got elation from inspiration writing a compliment song
for the nation while I’m talking about “two sessions.”
After reckoning I section it into four sections
to awake your acute vision and reduce tension.

— The start of “Two Sessions,” an English-language rap about a Chinese political meeting

Anyone can write a song or rap about the Belt and Road Initiative, a sweeping project encompassing 60 countries that draws upon the rich tapestry of history while looking toward the future and stretching across vast reaches of land and sea — but it takes a true monster to rhapsodize about the “two sessions,” China’s annual meeting of the National People’s Congress and the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference, popularly known for its attendees struggling to stay awake.

Behold, “Two Sessions,” a jaw-dropping rap published yesterday on Xinhua’s website that is simultaneously awful and also awesome, for it is its own grand parody. It is galaxy-brain-level brilliant, destined to hook eyeballs to an otherwise dull exercise of Chinese political unity, featuring a Star Wars reference and lyrics such as, “You see we’ve attained landing on the dark side of the moon, all the hardness absorbed like carbon dioxide in the woods.” (The next line, for the record, is, “Joy of success is like a weekend car ride around the pool.”)

Do you want to watch the music video? No, you do not. Obviously you do not. But I already have, and we’re already here, so let’s just do it.

Two Sessions, the rap, is the apex of propaganda, the meeting point of earnestness and satire. There is nothing on the other side but dystopia, a world where we can’t differentiate a well-meaning, fun, lighthearted “compliment song” from an attempt to commit capital murder of culture in broad daylight.

(Before we continue: I would be the worst kind of derelict to not highlight the following line, which has heretofore never crossed any piece of music, writing, or mind in the history of humankind: “Eject all the rapaciousness like shaking off nephrolithiasis.” Feel free to fast-forward to the 3:52 mark to enjoy it.)

Am I being mean? No, I am not, because there is nothing anyone can do to hurt this song, and it knows it. Go ahead and try. Are you going to call it a shameless promotion for Chinese companies? OK, it accepts and raises you this server room of Sunway TaihuLight trying to look gangster:

You say large swathes of the lyrics bypassed the copyeditor’s desk? There are no copyeditors!

Call it corny, with its pop culture references? Well how about a pop culture reference where the words are in the wrong order:

Call it nerdy? Eat shit! Here’s a math reference:

Think it’s too earnest? WAIT TILL YOU SEE THESE CHINESE MANNERS.

Want the ultimate display of arrogance? Around the 2:18 mark, it — I like to think of this song as a living thing, with its own mind and body, rapacious and filled with kidney stones — couldn’t find a way to rhyme “accident” with “jeopardy,” so it said EHH screw it, we’ll just go with “accidie,” no one will notice.

Two Sessions, the rap, is a hypnagogic trip, fantastical and bewildering. Having watched it, I feel oddly hypnotized, more so with each viewing, drawn to its monstrous intentions. I think it seeks to kill rap. I think it seeks to kills us, and worse, to use an instrument of culture — hip-hop — to disembowel our culture where it stands, then force us to feed on its carcass as if we needed, like that poor character in Seven, a lesson in gluttony. We’ve got “two sessions,” w-we’ve got “two sessions.” Perhaps I’m overthinking this. You’ll have to excuse me. For the fragrance we’re blessing, to the world we show our affection. I’m fully immersed in Micius satellite and Jiaolong submarine right now.

Two Sessions, the rap, was composed by Su Han, who also performs it in the video. The lyrics are by Su Han, Wang Zhongyi, and Chen Ying. It was produced by Tian Shubin, and the video was directed by Ma Yiqun. It was co-produced by Xinhua and Su Han Studio.

I do not have any more answers.

Full lyrics below. I’ve cleaned up some grammar, but please assume [sic] in all instances.

Two Sessions

I got elation from inspiration writing a compliment song
for the nation while I’m talking about “two sessions.”
After reckoning I section it into four sections
to awake your acute vision and reduce tension.
Just settle down and focus on what I eloquently mention about
the true essence of our country’s development.

Science’s the air, bears the weight of desire.
Every civil needs to acquire knowledge
as human can’t live without attire.
That’s why we adore and explore before we get wiser,
so now let me show y’all overall these years how we got higher.
You see we’ve attained landing on the dark side of the moon.
All the hardness absorbed like carbon dioxide in the woods.
Joy of success is like a weekend car ride around the pool.
Process and delightful achievements tied up to the mood.

Sunway TaihuLight’s like bright moonlight
and it might unite all the dreams tonight.
Once to be the fastest supercomputer
in the world I guess nobody might deny.

Micius is a quantum satellite
breakthrough first-ever even in my mind,
launched in the August, travel in the space
like an imposing eagle still standing by.

Jiaolong Submersible Vehicle,
Mariana Trench’s got nothing difficult,
near 5,000 meters diving shows
deep in the magnificent water world.

Cloned macaques, Zhong Zhong, Hua Hua,
new life is demonstrating its cute and congruous,
Monkey King to the West, legendary dragon to the sky,
y’all know it’s time for Chinese miracle.

We’ve got “two sessions,” w-we’ve got “two sessions.”
For the fragrance we’re blessing,
to the world we show our affection.
See we’ve got “two sessions”
let me show you Chinese manners.
Tramp the bygone cession we’re the fortitude presence.
[repeat verse]

Education’s the water, feeds little sons and daughters,
you won’t make it if there’s no rule, no standards, and no orders.
Young minds and thoughts oughta fly high like Skywalker.
Fixing the collar, applaud her seeking the cognition corner.
Man cannot live without nutrition,
that’s how I figure poverty alleviation,
fight for the poverty reduction,
effective like solving linear equation.
Poverty’s such a tragedy, a clumsy travesty,
guess it’s kind of ho-hum allergy, fallacy,
making extremely accidie
generating negative energy, jeopardy,
ask you please get it away from our territory,
nobody should get in with that disgusting pit,
so we got 26 out from that per minute,
cast off that poverty and reach the prosperity,
I believe, it’ll be devastated and dying leave
when finally comes the fancy prodigy, wonderful melody,
just shake off the gravity and ride with me.

We’ve got “two sessions,” w-we’ve got “two sessions.”
For the fragrance we’re blessing,
to the world we show our affection.
See we’ve got “two sessions”
let me show you Chinese manners.
Tramp the bygone cession we’re the fortitude presence.
[repeat verse]

We keep the environment alive,
don’t sacrifice seaside’s sunshine.
It’s like a summertime paradise, likewise butterflies in twilight.
See the Larch rolling miles upon miles
when we meet satisfied Popeye.
Like mama’s calm and pure smile
we and our gorgeous scenery are tied.

See, fifty-six years ago when there merely
sits just few greeny piece of woods
no one imagined the forest beneath Saihanba’s moonlight.
Bonfire is set, no way to get back,
greening project’s never forgone by.
Never gonna be the earth invader
forcing it into hunt in Cretaceous.
Gotta be the Ready One Player when in front of dirty polluter.
Eject all the rapaciousness like shaking off nephrolithiasis.
Longing the Hanging Gardens
so we turn the entire space into oasis.

We’ve got “two sessions,” w-we’ve got “two sessions.”
For the fragrance we’re blessing,
to the world we show our affection.
See we’ve got “two sessions”
let me show you Chinese manners.
Tramp the bygone cession we’re the fortitude presence.
[repeat verse]