Kuora: Stereotypes of China’s provinces: A poem
April is National Poetry Month, which makes this weekβs column β from one of Kaiserβs answersΒ originally posted to Quora on November 3, 2014Β β especially fitting:
What are the TL;DRs (or stereotypes) of the various provinces of China?
Here’s a little poem I wrote years ago in an effort to capture the stereotypes:
In Dongbei, whence the Manchus came, the men do like their liquor.
While effusive with their friendship, with their enmity theyβre quicker.
Though theyβre honest and straightforward, at the slightest provocation
Theyβll show why theyβve been slandered as the Klingons of this nation.
The leggy Dongbei ladies for their beauty are renowned,
(I attest that in my travels, few more fetching have I found).
But they suffer from one drawback, and itβs very sad to tell β
When they open up their mouths to speak, they break that magic spell.
The stalwart Shandong people grow as hearty as their scallions,
On their noodle-heavy diet theyβve been bred as strong as stallions.
Theyβre known for dogged loyalty; theyβre known as trusty folks,
But a bit slow on the uptake β thus, the butt of many jokes.
In Hunan and in Hubei in the countryβs center-south
They say the people there can really run it at the mouth.
In Hubei in particular, the saying is often heard
That a single Hubei codger can drown out a nine-head bird.
The Hunanese, in temperament, are piquant as their dishes,
Like duo jiao yu tou β capsicum with slow-braised heads of fishes.
Add to this mix the provinceβs infernal summer heat,
And you see why Hunanβs Xiang Jun had the Taiping rebels beat.
The teahouses of Chengdu represent the Sichuan Way:
The women toil in earnest while the men drink tea and play.
The Chuan hou plays at mahjong as the Chuan mei cleans and mends,
And like the Sichuan peppers do, she burns it at both ends.
The Pearl River Delta in the southlands of Guangzhou
Is home to Chinaβs most industrious people, as you know:
Theyβre scrappy and theyβre gritty and theyβre free of all pretension,
And theyβll make a meal of any living beast youβd care to mention.
They say that Henan people are a sly and cunning lot
But my ancestors are from there β proving some, at least, are not.
My co-provincials countrywide are blamed for every ill,
While provinces that suck as bad get let off easy still.
The Shanghainese are philistines, and this theyβll gladly own:
Commercial instincts permeate them to the very bone.
Their pride in Shanghaiβs petit bourgeois ethos is immense,
But what they lack in culture, they make up in common sense.
As you might well have expected, I have saved the best for last,
For my love for Beijingβs people is immovably steadfast.
From their gargling r-drenched accent to their dry sardonic wit,
The denizens of Jing Town are the dope, the bomb, the shit.
Beijingers love to gab, and though theyβre lazy and theyβre slow,
Thereβs nothing about politics that they arenβt apt to know.
They may complain a lot about the traffic and the air,
But scratch beneath the cynicism and youβll find they care.
So be grateful that you live here, and be clear on what it means.
Be grateful you donβt live among Klingons, or philistines.
Be grateful for the legacy of Yuan and Ming and Qing β
And most of all be grateful for the people of Beijing.
KuoraΒ is a weekly column. Top photo byΒ Annie SprattΒ via Unsplash. We’re celebrating Poetry Month here at The China Project; read more stories about poetry here.
For another of Kaiser’s poems, see:Β